Letting Myself Go
by HeyJude-yJude
Summary: (ONESHOT) / Bella has been in love with Edward for as long as she can remember. The problem: she's his best "friend". When he drops some big news on her, she must finally consider, is being his best friend really worth the hurt? Bella realizes that she has to admit her feelings to Edward, or leave him.. for good. / One day's events can change the life of a person.. forever.


******_Disclaimer: I own nothing, and yet I own everything. :)_**

**A/N: Hey everyone! Welcome to my ****(_technically_)**** FIRST fic on fanfiction. _WOOHOO_ _*everybody claps and cheers*_**

**This was once an M-rated oneshot (meaning it had lemony goodness), however fanfiction terminated that fic due to the violation I had committed of uploading "explicit content". Because of course, I'm the _ONLY ONE_ who has uploaded "explicit content" onto this site. *cough cough*  
****  
Anyways, I hope you enjoy this new T-rated (ugh) version of the oneshot! I _also_ hope that you'll tell me what you think afterwards.****  
**

**Without further adieu,**

* * *

_**Letting Myself Go**_

Bella had known Edward for as long as she could remember. They both hailed from a small, rainy town in Washington, named Forks. There wasn't an exact moment in time where they became friends, their friendship just was.

And although they had other friends, they had always remained closer to each other than to anyone else. From Elementary school BFF, to middle school crush, to high school infatuation... Bella found herself falling deeper and deeper for Edward over time. And now, at 23, those feelings had blossomed into love.

Edward was the only one Bella had ever truly felt something for. Yet he had never reciprocated those feelings; she was and always had been his best _friend. _ They had dated other people (more on his part than hers), but regardless of who or what or why, the two were inseparable.

Bella had never admitted her feelings to Edward, and Edward didn't have the slightest idea about the way Bella felt about him. Bella knew that it was for the best that Edward never found out about how she felt; it would put a strain on their friendship, and that was the last thing she wanted.

However, with each new girl entering and exiting Edward's life, Bella began to realize that their friendship was causing her more hurt than she was willing to accept. But instead of letting Edward go, she chose to disregard any hurt feelings.

Today had started off as just another day; as per usual, Edward had told Bella to meet him at their favorite coffee shop. It was a coffee shop that they so often frequented; the barista's made specials for them, and the waiters and waitresses knew their preferences.

Edward had said that he had something big to tell Bella, and Bella herself had some news for him as well.

~.x.~

Bella made her way over to Edward, where he was sitting at a table outside in the warm sun near a busy café in Seattle.

The sun lit up his messy bronze mane and made his pale skin glow. His green eyes twinkled vividly from where he sat. The strong angles of his jaw and cheekbones were illuminated, giving him the serene look of an angel as he sipped his coffee, oblivious to the admirers who passed by him.

Bella took a minute to admire him. He looked blissful, happier than she'd seen him in a while. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt, dark blue jeans and his favorite dark brown Timberlands.

Edward looked up from his phone and caught sight of Bella. A smile brightened his face at the sight of his best and closest friend. She blushed and began to cross the street towards him. She was dressed differently than usual. Instead of her usual jeans, sweater and backpack combination, she was wearing a pretty collared navy blue button-up dress with a red belt, brown leather boots and a matching brown bag.

Edward didn't miss this; he never missed a thing when it came to his best friend. He noticed something else about her was different as well. It wasn't that her hair, normally straight, was done in bouncy curls. It wasn't that she'd applied a bit of makeup, enhancing her naturally beautiful looks. It was almost as if she'd had a change in personality; in the way she carried herself.

Bella felt Edward's penetrating gaze on her as she crossed the street. Her cheeks heated in embarrassment. She wondered what he was thinking.

**BPOV**

"Hey Bells." Edward said, getting up to hug me as I approached his table.

My heart skipped a beat at the contact of our skin. _God, I have to stop feeling this way, _I thought to myself. "Hey Edward." I replied as we broke our embrace to sit down.

"So what news have you brought me?" He asked me, both curious and impatient. He was genuinely excited for what I had to say. I hailed a waitress and asked her for my usual.

"Impatient are we?" I asked him, laughing while he grinned back at me. "You'll find out soon enough," I assured him.

"Anyways, how have you been? It feels like forever since I last saw you." I said with a pout.

Edward chuckled. "We hung out the day before yesterday, Bella."

"Hence, a long time ago." I replied, smiling.

Edward shook his head, grinning widely. "You're right. I missed you yesterday when I overcooked my pasta. You would have never let that happen." He said guiltily.

"You overcooked pasta? Shame on you!" I teased him. "I need to teach you a lesson or two in the art of pasta-making."

"Maybe you can just make me some. It's not that you're a bad teacher, I'm just a slow learner." He said, making me laugh.

I pat his hand reassuringly. "There, there. How does lasagna sound tonight?"

"As much as I hate to say this, I'm going to be a little busy tonight." He looked sorry. I knew how much he loved Grandma Swan's recipe for lasagna.

"Later this week, then." I told him, smiling.

He smiled back, his green eyes bright. "I'll hold you to that."

"I know you will." I replied, staring back into his eyes softly.

_You're staring, stop staring,_ I reprimanded myself.

My order finally came, and I focused on drinking from the cup, savoring the warm delicious goodness of the latte inside. It was vanilla flavored with just a hint of caramel, and it was made especially for me.

"You look like you're in heaven." Edward teased me.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "That's because this latte is friggin heavenly."

Edward reached for my cup. "After all these years, I've never tried your order," He explained when I looked at him curiously. "I've just sat here, watching you make mouth-love with your latte." He joked.

I almost choked on my mouthful of said latte. "I do _not_ make mouth-love with my latte." I replied, laughing. "And you've never tried mine because I've never tried yours, Mr. Protective-of-his-Coffee." I pointed out.

"Let's swap for a second, then." He suggested.

We grabbed each other's drinks and took sips from them at the same time. I wrinkled my nose at the flavor of his coffee. It was _way _too strong for me.

"Ugh, too sweet for me, but it's perfect for you." He said, holding my drink out so that I could take it back.

I handed his back to him as well. "Yours is too strong for me, but of course, perfect for you." I replied.

"Let's stick to our respective drinks in the future." Edward commended.

"Let's." I agreed.

"So what were you going to tell me?" Edward asked, finally cutting to the chase.

I smiled. "You won't tell me what _you_ have to say first?"

Edward shook his head, grinning. "Not yet. You go first." He requested, momentarily dazzling me with his intent green eyes.

I shook my head back, willing my brain to function normally. "I refuse to speak until you tell me what it is you have to say." I said, crossing my arms stubbornly.

Edward sighed. "Alright. Prepare yourself."

He leaned forward in his seat. "I've been waiting for a while to do this; to find the opportune moment. But it never presented itself, so I've decided to 'grab the bull by its balls', if you will."

I choked on my coffee and began to laugh. "What are you talking about?" I asked him when our laughter subsided.

Edward reached into his pocket and looked at me expectantly. "Wait for it…"

My breathing hitched when he gently pulled a blue velvet box out of his pocket. He flipped the lid open, and revealed a beautiful, white gold diamond ring. It caught the light of the mid-afternoon sun and twinkled happily, as if it knew its purpose. It was a symbol of promise, promise of a life... together. I gasped softly, unable to believe what was happening.

Edward smiled at my reaction. "So what do you think?" He asked me eagerly, his big green eyes hopeful and innocent.

"It's…It's…" I was at a loss for words. It was more than beautiful; it was _perfect_.

Edward eyes were soft. "Bella, you've always been my best friend, and I know I should have asked you about it, but I wanted to surprise you. I know what this ring means, and never in my life have I been so sure about who I want to give it to."

_Was Edward proposing…? _I thought to myself, flustered.

"Edward… I…" I fought to get the words out. Edward continued to ramble on about the meaning of the ring, not noticing that I was trying to say something.

I tried again. "I… I love you-"

"… because I'm proposing to Tanya."

"_you_-err choice."

"What?" He asked, looking at me curiously. "I didn't quite catch the ending."

"I love _your_ choice." I restated, mortified. _Oh my god. _

I felt my heart plummet. It felt as though a hole had been punched through my chest, and I couldn't breathe.

_Tanya._ He was going to propose to _Tanya_. He was in love with his current _girlfriend, _Tanya. Of course he was. Tanya was beautiful; with her bright blue eyes, perfect body and gorgeous strawberry-blonde hair. She was Edward's type in all ways but one; she was an idiot.

Right now, _I_ _felt_ like the biggest idiot. How could I let myself think that _Edward_ was going to propose _me_? I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I fought back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes.

"Bella, are you alright?" Edward regarded me with nothing but concern in his eyes.

His care and concern triggered my tears, which began to stream from my eyes steadily. He looked thoroughly alarmed.

I shook my head and smiled at the expression on his face. "I'm f-fine. I'm just s-so… h-happy for you." I managed to tell him, faking another smile. He would never realize that my tears were really tears of a broken-hearted girl.

He broke out into a big grin and pulled me in for a tight hug. "I'm so glad that you approve of my decision." He murmured, stroking my back.

Of course I didn't, but I still nodded, wiping my eyes and waiting until the tears subsided.

"When…?" I couldn't ask him the full question without triggering more tears.

"Am I going to propose?" He asked.

I nodded.

"I'm planning to do it tonight. I'm going to take her to our favourite restaurant and pop the question there." He explained, smiling at me shyly.

"Oh." I replied. "That's… nice." I told him hesitantly.

"Are you sure?" He asked, uncertain.

I sighed, really taking a look at him. He looked worried and unsure, and I knew it was because I wasn't up in arms about him marrying Tanya.

"I'm positive." I told him, trying to look as sure as possible.

He gave me another big hug and sat back in his seat, totally confident. "You don't have any other questions? Like who's organizing the wedding? Whether you'll be a part of the bridal party? Anything like that?" He asked, looking at me inquiringly.

I shrugged and faked a smile. "I'm sure Tanya will fill me in on everything once you propose to her." I said, thinking, _kill me now._

Edward grinned. "Great! Now that that's sorted, will you finally tell me what news youhave for me?" He asked, his eyes bright with curiosity.

I felt a lump in my throat and fought back a new bought of tears. My news could not compare to the _bomb_ he'd just dropped on me. I tried to suppress my hurt feelings. "It's nothing really..." I tried telling him, but his eyes encouraged me to continue. I sighed. "I got accepted to the Harvard Medical Program. They want me to start as soon as I can." I told him quietly.

The smile on Edward's face was more blinding than the sun. "Why didn't you tell me?"

_I just did_, I thought sarcastically. But the genuine look of pride and happiness on his face made me feel guilty for my attitude almost immediately.

"This is something you've wanted for a long time. I'm so proud of you, Bells." He continued, pulling me in for yet _another_ hug and kissing my cheek.

I closed my eyes and tried to keep myself from falling apart. "Yeah it is." I replied, my voice hoarse.

"It's going be a shame when you turn them down."

I pulled myself out of his arms and looked at him in shock, all sadness pushed aside. "What?"

"I mean it's really far and you're already part of a really good med school program. Not to mention, we wouldn't be able to see each other as often. What would be the point of going?" He asked.

I looked at him incredulously. "Are you serious?" What the bloody fucking hell? This was _not_ typical of him. Edward _wanted_ me to go. He _encouraged_ me to go. He wouldn't let me pass up this amazing opportunity, no matter what the circumstances. Why was he trying to convince me otherwise?

He looked away uneasily and said nothing.

"What is it? What's _wrong_?" I asked him, trying to keep my anger in check.

"I don't like the thought of you being so far away, Bella. You mean the world to me, and you're my best friend, practically my other half. I don't know what I'd do if you went gallivanting halfway across the world." He finally admitted, his eyes probing mine.

"But you have Tanya." I blurted out angrily. "Plus, it's not even halfway across the _States_, let alone halfway across the world." I pointed out.

Edward looked defensive. "C'mon Bella, you know what I mean. And you know that I care about you in a different way than I do about Tanya." He argued.

_Yeah I know, I get the whole best friends only thing_, I thought forlornly. _I just wish you cared about me more like you care about Tanya. _

"I know." I sighed, fiddling with the lid on my latte.

"Good." He said, relaxing and sounding relieved.

I looked him straight in the eye. "I'm still going, Edward."

"Bella please don't." He pleaded, his eyes begging with me.

"_You _were the one who convinced me to apply. You convinced me to try. You convinced me that it would be the best thing for me. You were right; this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Edward. I'm not passing it down." I told him, not meeting his eyes.

"Then why do I get the feeling that you don't really want to go?" He countered, his eyes searching my face.

I bit my lip and looked away. "I do." I whispered.

I could feel the incredulity in his eyes as he stared at my face. "Then look me in the eyes and tell me that you honestly want to go. That you want to leave me behind."

_I couldn't. _

"I don't want to leave you behind, Edward. That's not what this is." I muttered.

"Then tell me, Bella, what is this?" He asked, pulling his chair closer to mine and looking at me intently. "Because I know you don't want to go."

"It's a good opportunity." I said, my voice quivering.

Edward tilted my head up gently. "Look at me, Bella." He ordered quietly.

I reluctantly met his beautiful eyes with my own.

"I may be marrying Tanya, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to forget about you or neglect our friendship." He promised.

"It's inevitable, Edward." I murmured, blinking away tears and pulling my head out of his grasp so that I wouldn't have to look at him.

"Hey. _Listen_. We've been best friends since we were _5_. That's about _18_ _years_ now. I've known Tanya for not even half of that time. Do you really think I'm just going to let that go? Given the choice between the two of you, I would choose you in a heartbeat, Bella." He said, his eyes sincere and truthful.

I looked up at him slowly. "You're not just saying that so that I won't leave, right?"

Edward smiled at me amiably. "I'm saying this because I want you to know how much I care about and love you. You mean the world to me, Bella." He said, tucking a stray strand of my hair behind my ear.

My heart skipped a beat when he said he loved me. Although he had said it to me many times before, this felt different. And it wasn't just me blowing things out of proportion. "I could say the same about you, Edward." I replied, looking into the warm depths of his forest-y eyes.

He chuckled. "I would hope so."

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Listen, I'm going to cancel my reservations and postpone my proposal to Tanya. Come over. We can order takeout and watch movies like we used to." Edward offered, looking at me hopefully.

"Are you sure?" I asked him, uncertain.

"Most definitely." He answered. "What's another day compared to the rest of our lives?"

_There's a lot that can happen in one day, Edward. One day's events can change the life of a person forever,_ I thought to myself. _You're getting married to Tanya, and I'm going to tear myself out of your life and leave you without a best friend.  
_  
"Okay, I'll come." I all but whispered.

"Great." He replied, not noticing how shaken I was.

We paid for our drinks and left for Edward's apartment.

~.x.~

"I'm glad you kept this place." I told him as I slid down from his couch to the carpeted floor of his living room. The two of us were settled cross-legged on the carpeted floor of his living room, cozied up to his coffee table, where steaming boxes of Chinese takeout sat patiently waiting for us.

"I could never get rid of this place. I need room to think _away_ from Tanya. And it's comforting to know that I have an extra place to go. Other than yours, of course." He said, grinning over at me lazily.

I smiled back at him. "Well this place is definitely more comforting than Tanya's, no offence."

"None taken." He replied, shrugging. "Our place could use more warmth."

I nodded in agreement and looked down at my hands as I fiddled with the material of the carpet. '_Our _place_.'_ Not singular, but plural. I couldn't help but think about Edward's planned proposal.

"Let's dig in." Edward said, passing me my box of warm Chinese takeout and distracting me from my thoughts. He was about to pass me chopsticks but thought better of it and handed me a plastic fork.

He grinned. "On second thought,"

"I should use a fork because I can't use chopsticks to save my life." I interrupted him, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

We exchanged a smile and dug in to the delicious food.

Edward eyed my container enviously. "Can I have a piece of your honey garlic chicken?" He asked, looking at me all wide-eyed and innocent.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at him. "How did I know you'd ask?" I replied as he smiled back cutely.

"Here," I picked up a piece with my fingers. "Say 'ahh'."

"Ahh." He opened his mouth and looked at me with a small grin on his face.

I tried to pop the chicken into his mouth quickly but he caught my index finger in his teeth purposefully.

"Edward!" I chastised him, laughing. "Let go of my finger, you child."

He shook his head, his green eyes dancing with amusement.

"Your teeth hurt." I lied, pouting.

He released my finger and chuckled, before pulling my hand up and placing a gentle kiss on the finger he bit.

I looked into his eyes and he stared back into mine. Something in this moment was strange, like there was a shift in time and space.

He looked at me differently, held me differently, _treated_ me differently. And I didn't understand what the difference was, _other than his forthcoming proposal to Tanya_.

The air was abnormally heavy with so many emotions. _This wasn't right._ I couldn't keep torturing myself constantly by being around him, by thinking that I might have a chance with him. _Especially_ when he was about to propose to his girlfriend, someone who wasn't myself. It wasn't fair to me.

"Edward... I... I have to go." I told him shakily, closing my eyes to try and drown out the pain that had made its way inside of my heart and was taking over my chest. It was going to tear me apart to do this.

"What?" He asked, his eyes concerned.

"I need to go." I whispered, mainly to myself. _Out of your apartment, out of this state and out of your life,_ I thought to myself.

But Edward wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what I was thinking. "Please don't, Bella. Don't go." He begged quietly, his eyes pleading with me.

"You don't understand." I told him, shaking my head and getting up. "I can't do this anymore. I have to go."

Edward stood up as I did. "No, I don't understand, Bella. What is it that you can't do?"

He was so genuinely confused and hurt, it pained me to look at him. I took a deep, agonizing breath.

"I can't be in your life anymore, Edward." I told him, willing myself not to cry.

He really looked hurt now. "Why?"

I sighed. "God, Edward, you really don't want to know."

"No Bella, I really do." He replied, running a hand through his hair angrily. He only did that when he was _really_ upset. I would know because he did it whenever his father tried to speak to him about his future plans, or whenever Tanya was stubborn or kicked him out of their apartment for the night. _God I knew him well._

"Please." I whispered, as sobs threatened to overwhelm me. "Please can you just let me go?"

Edward shook his head, his jaw firm and his green eyes hard. "Not until you tell me why you're hurting me so goddamn badly."

"Oh god." I said, trying to brace myself. I sank back to the floor, and Edward sat with me.

"We've been best friends for years, Edward, and you mean more to me than anyone else." I whispered.

"So why are you doing this?" He asked softly, his eyes probing mine.

"Because it's for the best." I told him, tears falling from my eyes. "Because being with you hurts me. Because every minute that I spend with you is another minute in which I fall further for you. Because _you're_ in love with _Tanya_, but _I'm_ in love with _you_." I finally whispered, looking at the floor through blurry eyes.

Edward was as silent and as still as a statue. I glanced at him, trying to gage his emotions through his facial expression, but he was unreadable.

"Edward?" I asked tentatively, wiping at my eyes. "I'm so sorry. Please, just say something... anything."

"How...?" His eyes searched but found nothing. "How long have you felt this way about me?" He inquired, his stormy green eyes finally capturing and holding mine.

"A while." I whispered, unable to break our strong eye contact. _Let me go, Edward, let me go, _I silently begged. His eyes made feel so vulnerable.

He ran a hand through his hair and broke our eye contact. "Why didn't you say anything?" He asked angrily, the muscle of his jaw clenched tight.

I swallowed nervously. "I couldn't. I didn't want anything to happen between us. I didn't want to lose you…" _And now I fear that I have._

"And what if I had felt the same? What then?" He asked, capturing my eyes again.

"I don't know." I whispered.

"You don't know?" He echoed me, sounding as if it were a foreign phrase.

I sighed. "No Edward, I don't. Maybe it would change things between us, maybe it wouldn't. But I couldn't take that risk. I _wouldn't_ take that risk!" I yelled. "Not if there was even a _slight_ chance of losing you." I told him, my voice cracking on the last few words. _There. I've said it. Exposed myself to you. Happy?_

"You love me that much?" He whispered, his eyes soft.

"That's what I've been telling you these past few moments! _YES_, _I do love you that much_. I've tried to suppress my love for you for most of my life, actually. And it has _SUCKED._ Watching girls walk in and out of your life, pretending like I didn't care the slightest bit. Well it hurt. It hurt like _hell_." I took a deep breath before continuing. All this pent up rage was finally exposing itself, and it felt _good_ to say all that I had wanted to say to him these past few years.

"And well yeah, I've had my share of relationships, but they all eventually realized that my heart belonged to someone else, and always would. Now I'm done with the acting and pretending and I'm done with this and I'm done with _you_. D-O-N-E. Done!" I finished, panting.

Edward stared at me with wide eyes. I could see that he was processing all that I had said to him.

I felt a flood of remorse and weariness wash over me. "Oh god, I have to go. This was stupid. I didn't mean to yell or rant or say _anything_." I said softly, feeling guilty and embarrassed.

"I'm the last person you need in your life." I told him quietly as I turned to leave.

He caught my wrist and turned me around to face him. "No," He said softly, his green eyes stormy.

_"You're the first."  
_

~.x.~

He pulled me roughly against his body and fused his lips to mine. I froze, shocked.

After realizing that I wasn't responding to his kiss, Edward stopped. "What's wrong?" He asked, looking confused.

I shook my head. "It's just… I need to know that you're not just doing this because you feel sorry for me, or because you feel as though you _have_ to." I said carefully, fully meeting his eyes.

His eyes softened and he gave me a peck on the lips. "Bella, I've wanted to kiss you for as long as I can remember. I think I've always been in love with you, but I've just been too blind to see that."

There was that word again. _Love_.

"Oh." I replied, unable to form a coherent thought- let alone sentence- from my disbelief.

He grinned. "_Oh_ indeed. Now can I kiss you?" He asked, feigning impatience.

I thought about what he'd previously said for a little; _that he had always loved me but had been to blind to see it_. Then I realized that I was holding myself back from doing something I had wanted to do for most of my life; _kiss Edward_. I've always overanalyzed everything, never letting myself just do whatever. Tonight that was going to change.

"_'Now can I kiss you?'_" I imitated him. "So much for romance." I finally replied, smiling at him and rolling my eyes.

He pulled my arm gently and spun me into his body before leaning me back and kissing my lips tenderly. When he let me up I was dizzy and at a loss for words. "How's that for romance?" He asked smugly.

I didn't reply. Instead, I just did what I felt most like doing. I leaned forward and kissed him with all of my might. He pulled my body in close and molded his mouth to mine. I fit perfectly with his body, as if I was always meant to be there.

Edward's lips caressed mine, making me want to sigh with satisfaction. He was an amazing kisser. I relished in the feeling of his lips, moving softly yet surely against mine. I loved the way his hands stroked my back gently, the way he closed his eyes, enjoying every second of the time he had with me in his arms.

I pushed him back towards his bedroom, keeping my mouth locked on his.

He pulled away for a second. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked, his lips tickling mine.

I kissed him again, infusing every ounce of passion I had into the kiss. "Yes." I breathed back, looking into his emerald eyes.

He nodded and took my hand and led me to his room, a room I was already quite familiar with.

"Remember that night we almost kissed?" He asked, gesturing with a nod to the window seat of his bedroom.

I looked at the window seat and the memory washed over me. _Edward was hosting a party in his apartment and we'd both gotten drunk and hidden away in his room to just hang out. We somehow got to the topic of how much we mean to/care about each other and he had begun to lean in…_

"I thought I had imagined it. We were both so drunk…" I trailed off, smiling because it had really happened. But the memory was also tainted with the presence of Tanya, who'd almost immediately drunkenly stumbled into the room and sat on Edward's lap before proceeding to suck his face off (figuratively, not literally). Leaving me hanging and incredibly dazed and confused.

Edward frowned, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. "I would have kissed you." He told me certainly.

"I would have kissed you back." I replied, smiling softly at him.

He cupped my face and kissed my lips gently.

He eased me onto the bed, and I knew that this was it; this was the moment I had been waiting for since I was a mere teenage girl. The moment that not every girl gets; the moment that I would give myself to the person I was very much in love with and would never regret giving myself to. This was the moment when everything would fade away, and nothing else in the would would matter. Nothing except for Edward and myself.

~.x.~

I gave Edward my virginity, something he didn't know that I still had. And I treasured every second of it, as I know he did too, even if it wasn't _his_ first time.

I looked over at him as he recuperated from our _activities._ My heart skipped a beat as his eyes met mine. I wondered when I would ever stop feeling this way. _If,_ I would ever.

Edward's green eyes were dancing with happiness, and warm with love.

"I love you." I murmured, blushing and averting my eyes.

Edward cupped my cheek, silently asking me to meet his eyes. I looked up into those lovely green orbs. "As I love you." He replied solemnly.

Hearing those words come out his mouth arose more happiness within me than I had ever felt in my life.

I climbed under the covers of his bed and lay back on his pillows. He joined me under the covers and pulled me close. "I'm not dreaming, am I?" He asked me softly, his green eyes wide and innocent as they probed mine. _I was wondering the same thing.  
_  
I stroked his hair softly and planted a small kiss on his lips. "No." I assured him, massaging his scalp.

He pulled me closer and kissed me deeper. "Don't ever leave me." He murmured, kissing my forehead.

_Never._ I tried to say, but it came out in a broken, unintelligible whisper.

I looked into his eyes, wanting more consolation. Although we had had sex, it didn't feel _real_, in a way. "Make love to me, Edward." I told him, wanting him more than ever. He looked back into my eyes and nodded.

He rolled us over so that he was lying lightly on top of me. We kissed slowly, passionately, tenderly. There was no sense of urgency to connect on a physical level. This was all emotional.

The entire time, his eyes were ablaze with passion, hunger, desire and most of all… intense love.

I kissed him and held onto him as hard as I could. I could feel the emotion connecting us on a level much different than the first time.

"I love you so much." I whispered, trying to catch my breath.

This time when he kissed me, I could _feel_ how much he loved me as well. "I love you too, Bella. Forever." He said solemnly, staring into my eyes and filling my heart with more love than I could comprehend at that moment.

I fell asleep in his arms, his soft snoring comforting me. Every few hours he would hold me tighter, as if he never wanted to let me go.

...

I woke up in the morning groggy and unaware of my surroundings. I looked around Edward's room in panic, before last night's events washed over me like a comforting wave. Everything was real, and I was here, with him and wrapped up in him.

I looked over at his beautiful sleeping face. He looked so happy, so peaceful, so perfect. This felt too good to be true; to be wrapped in his strong arms, to be clung to as if the last thing he wanted was for me to disappear. I'd dreamed of this for years, but reality exceeded any of my dreams by far. This was more than I had ever hoped to expect, and yet it wasn't enough. It wasn't that he wasn't enough for me; it was the fact that _I _would never be able to get enough of _him_. And I couldn't bear to think that we could never be together like this ever again.

Sunlight streamed through his bedroom window, illuminating us.

_Daylight._

I knew this was it: I had to go. But I couldn't bring myself to get up and leave.

His skin glowed beautifully in the sun, and the sun brought out the caramel highlights in his bronze hair. I lifted a shaking hand and ran it gently through his soft-as-feather mane, eliciting a sleepy murmur of appreciation from him. He pulled me tighter against his naked chest, tightly enough to make me lose my breath. I laughed softly and loosened his hold on me, hoping not to wake him.

"How will I ever gather the strength to leave you?" I asked him softly, sadly.

A wave of anger suddenly washed over me. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Edward was with Tanya; it wasn't fair that I only had one day to love him, that I could never really be with him. It wasn't fair that after all of these years, we finally acknowledged our feelings for each other and yet that still made no difference. Our relationship would never progress, _could _never progress. We would never be anything more than friends. Maybe fate was giving me a sign; Harvard was waiting my arrival.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath through my nose. "It was great to have loved you, and to have felt loved by you. You don't understand how much I will cherish the past years I've shared with you, Edward. Your friendship means the world to me. I can't ruin what we have by staying, but if you ever need me, you know where I'll be. I'll love you forever." I whispered into his hair and kissed his temple. He remained fast asleep.

Giving him a soft kiss on the lips, I slowly excavated myself from his arms- arms I would remember for a lifetime, and sat on the edge of his bed.

"Bella?" Edward's sleep-ridden voice asked, confused.

Tears filled my eyes and I held back the sob that threatened to escape my lips. "I'm just going to the washroom. I'll be back soon." I answered him as the tears spilled down my cheeks.

"Mmm okay, soon. I love you." He muttered back, rolling over onto his stomach before falling asleep again.

"I love you too." I whispered back, closing my eyes and wishing that I didn't have to do this.

I eventually collected myself and pulled my clothes on as fast as I could. I cast one last look at my best friend, my other half, _the man I would love forever_, and ran out of his apartment. Once I was safely in the hallway I backed up against the wall and slowly fell to the floor. Tears poured freely from my eyes and sobs wracked my body.

I couldn't do this. I couldn't leave him. I loved him too much. I couldn't let him get married to Tanya, not if he loved me as much as he said he did. I wiped at my eyes angrily, trying to stem the flow of my tears.

Leaning my head back against the wall, I closed my eyes and took deep, shaky breaths.

I _could_ do this. Edward could move on with Tanya, I could move on at Harvard, and we never had to see each other ever again. No matter how much it would break my heart.

I wrapped my arms around myself tightly, hoping I could hold myself together, because I felt like I was falling apart.

So_ this is how it feels to rip yourself in two_, I thought, fresh tears falling from my eyes. The pain was numbing, consuming and felt infinite. I wondered if I walked down the street whether people would see the gaping hole in my chest. I felt like I was drowning, the pressure in my chest making it too hard to properly breathe.

Doing all I could to hold myself together, I managed to leave his building and hail myself a taxi.

"Where to, Miss?" The driver asked, terribly feigning that he didn't notice my grief-stricken face, empty eyes and tear-streaked cheeks.

_Anywhere but here_, I thought to myself.

**EPOV**

I woke up in my apartment to an empty bed and shit-ton of regret. Not about Bella, but about the past few years of my life. If I'd have known that Bella felt this way about me all of these years, I would've dropped _everything_ for her.

I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. _What was I going to do about Tanya? And the ring?_

I could always propose to Bella instead... But I'd need a better ring. A ring that captured her essence, _her beauty_. _Maybe Alice could help me_... I stopped myself. I was getting in way ahead of myself. Who knew if Bella actually _wanted_ to marry me? Speaking of Bella, where was she?

"Bella, love?" I called out, getting out of bed and going to the washroom. I wrapped a towel around my waist. She said she was going to the washroom, didn't she? _Maybe she's making breakfast_, I thought hopefully, making my way to the kitchen.

She wasn't there. In fact, she wasn't in the apartment at all.

_Please Bella, don't have left me, _I begged silently.

But in my heart I knew she had.

I sank into a chair and held my head in my hands. _Why? _

_Why did you do this to me, Bella? How you could you tell me you love me, and then leave me? I _love_ you. Did you not believe me? __  
_

I rubbed my face wearily and leaned back in the chair, staring out of the glass wall of my apartment. _I needed her._ She was my best friend, my other half, _the only woman I would love, forever_.

A pain like something I had never felt before took over my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. _Is that what it feels like to have your heart broken?_ I wondered. _Is my heart breaking?_

I drank a glass of water and headed back to my bedroom, lying back on my bed, the bed we had made love on. _The first ever time I had ever made love._

I got up, pacing, wanting to punch something. _I had to go after her._ Convince her not to leave me, to come back. She would come, wouldn't she...?

My pacing slowed as I realized that I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't let her pass up going to _Harvard_. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. It was what was best for _her_.

I sat on the edge of my bed, my head in my hands again. This was going to be the hardest thing I had to do. To let her go.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to clear my head. When I opened my eyes, they focused on a sheet that was on the ground. I picked it up, wondering if Bella had left me a note. But she hadn't. It was a paper from many weeks ago, when Bella and I were discussing our favorite quotes and why. She had written hers down.

My eyes scanned it before falling on something that would help me hold on to her forever.

It was a quote that Bella loved by Richard Bach:

_If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was._

* * *

**A/N: They've left you a box, but will you leave me a review? ;)**

******Before the old oneshot was removed, there was a poll on my profile where people voted whether or not they wanted me to turn it into a story. Majority voted yes, but now that the rating has changed, I need to know whether or not you all still want that to happen. **PLEASE VOTE IN THE NEW POLL ON MY PROFILE IF YOU WANT THIS TO BECOME A STORY!****

**Thanks for reading!**

**- Eva**


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